Awkward greetings are something that I have always to excelled at – and by awkward I mean physically awkward for both me and my victim. When meeting someone for the first time it is standard practice to do one of two things, either say hello or shake hands – very simple. Unfortunately I have about 13 different ways to say hello and I always pick the wrong one.
This is something I have struggled with for years. I grew up in a non-touchy home, we said “good morning & good night” if you were upset you got a hug but we were not what you would call over kissers or huggers. When I first met Mr Tink I found he was very open about displays of affection towards his family and friends. I like it and it looked simple enough, so I decided it was time for me to make a change – I too would become a warm cuddly greeter.
Now 14 years later I’ve become very touchy, very kissy and very huggy when I first meet a person. It is almost like a Wheel of Fortune of greetings that quickly spin around in my mind. It does not matter who you are or where we are, if it lands on “forced kiss and big hug” that is exactly what you are going to get and sadly there is no warning, no preparation…. BAM you will get one right on the smackers that you were not ready for or expecting!
I can’t tell the amount of situations that I’ve read wrong and accidentally kissed the persons ear, or I have read the combination wrong and been forced to hug way too long as my cheeks are so red from uncomfortableness that I can’t bring myself to look the person in the eye.
When I “people watch” I see this comes naturally for most people, they say hello, give a quick kiss quick or hug – no uncomfortableness.
A few years ago I was purchasing some shoes at my regular haunt, when a lovely lady named Margie that regularly served me but had retired popped her head out from behind the counter. She took me by complete surprise “hello stranger, I’m back, great to see you”. There stood Margie excited to see me her eyes filled with a happiness waiting for me to recognise her…. and then it happens…. instantly my Wheel of Fortune greeting process began to spin and unfortunately for poor old Margie it landed on “long forceful hug”.
What the spinning wheel of love did not allow for was the fact that Margie was 5ft tall and I am 6ft tall. There is actually a name for the end result; it’s called a “Motor Boat”. A Motor Boat is when a woman places the face of another person between her breasts and the other person shakes from side to side ( yes the image in your head is as horrifying as it looked)
A fragile 70-year-old Margie who’d left the quiet life of retirement had suddenly been thrust into a lifetime awkwardness as she had been quickly grabbed for a big hug by this crazy amazon woman and pulled in so tight that the only way she could breathe was to turn her head from side to side. The worst part was that my mind was freaking out with what was happening so I just kept Margie firmly in place so I could try to deal with it mentally and decide what my next move should be. This all happened in a few seconds but just like in the movies time went into super slow motion. Have you ever seen the killer drown his victim in a horror movie? It was just like that but I was drowning Margie in boobs.
I just wanted the floor to suck me up… but it didn’t! This story has become famous amongst my friends as I was not alone. My girlfriend saw the whole thing and was almost air lifted to Brisbane General Hospital from laughing so much. Needless to say the whole experience killed my shoe addiction (for a while) but I can’t go back there. Surprisingly Margie didn’t report me to management and no restraining orders were placed.
Unfortunately my greetings are not just reserved for humans I recently took Master 5 to meet the Easter Bunny and have our photo taken. They say a picture speaks a thousand words well our photo says it all. Master 5 insisted I too have my photo taken and I excitedly obliged. I got a little too excited and placed my hand firmly on the Easter Bunny’s inner thigh! The giggles from the Easter Bunny’s assistant were heard from all corners of the shopping centre at the frisky mum with “busy hands”. So the Tinks now have a photo of the Easter Bunny with mummy “feeling up” the bunny! Needless to say the in-laws never got a copy of that photo for the mantle.
At the end of the day I think some of us were just born socially awkward in some way, it’s not our fault and I make no apologies – except to poor old Margie …